To me, normal is different than most people, I assume. Assume, because I’m not sure what other people’s world is like. They certainly don’t behave as if they live in my world. I don’t see anyone too concerned with maintaining a calm façade while they frantically try processing millions of disturbing stimuli. It took me sixteen years to get here, why, then is a three year old better equipped to deal with these stimuli? He seems calm and relaxed. Maybe his world is different than mine.
My anguish began at birth when I first entered this frightening world. My earliest memories are of deafening noises, blindingimages and painful touches on my sensitive ears, eyes and skin. It took me two years to shut off my ears, eyes and skin. I found that if I rocked just so, no sound would interrupt my peace. If I flapped a sock with the right rhythm and looked at it through the corner of my eyes, my vision did not scare me. I enjoyed my numb existence mostly, except when it was disturbed by people trying to interrupt my rhythm.
I found one person exceptionally annoying. Although her smell and voice were vaguely comforting and familiar, she was always trying to interrupt my carefully orchestrated world. She would flash cards at me so quickly that I couldn’t help but wonder what they were. She would pipe strange sounds into my ears, but it would end before I could protest. She would rub my skin withdifferent materials saying words I was beginning to comprehend.She would make me creep and crawl to satisfy my burning curiosity to see more words and images. She never left me aloneeven if I screamed, bit, pinched or hit her.
She made me enjoy my senses by giving them a workout a few seconds at a time. Don’t get me wrong, she wouldn’t leave me in peace after a few seconds, she would just do something else with me. She never left my side from the time I got up to when I went to sleep. Slowly things became less frightening. How she did it I don’t know, but my ears, eyes and skin no longer hurt so much. I still need earplugs occasionally so I suspect my ears don’t work as well as others.
Over the years my family grew to include a sister and a brother but I never saw them as tormented as I was. I never saw my mother work with them as she still does with me. I suppose my world is different from theirs. I am glad I have my annoying, persistent,lovely, gem of a mother to help me through it.
